my diameter

so i lied and i'm back

M is asleep but i just couldn't find my dreams tonight--too much to think about

and so i thought i'd share a bit

i've just been thinking about making friends. and i don't want to.

i'm scared. i'm scared that i'm setting people up for pain. i've been friends with M for too long so she's a moot point. but all of the people i'll be meeting on monday...

maybe i shouldn't do this. shouldn't go to school. shouldn't meet people. i'm only going to hurt them.

yknow i read a poem once and it never really left me. it's called "The Diameter of the Bomb" by Yehuda Amichai.

it's about the true diameter of a bomb. yeah it only explodes so far. but then the diameter expands with the hospitals that the victims are treated at. and then it expands again to the cemeteries that the dead are buried at. and then it expands again to the orphans who lost parents.

here, it's hard to explain the impact of the poem without reading it:

The diameter of the bomb was thirty centimeters
and the diameter of its effective range about seven meters,
with four dead and eleven wounded.
And around these, in a larger circle
of pain and time, two hospitals are scattered
and one graveyard. But the young woman
who was buried in the city she came from,
at a distance of more than a hundred kilometers,
enlarges the circle considerably,
and the solitary man mourning her death
at the distant shores of a country far across the sea
includes the entire world in the circle.
And I won’t even mention the crying of orphans
that reaches up to the throne of God and
beyond, making a circle with no end and no God.

and so i've never really let go of this poem. i want to minimize my diameter. i've already got my mom and M and the other people of my past in my diameter. i don't want to expand it any more.

and by going to school.. i'm expanding it. i'm putting so much more people at risk and i don't want to endanger more people.

i don't know why i thought it was a good idea to go and make friends when i have less than a year left.

and then there's this guy. we'll call him B for boy. M says i clicked with him tonight. and i dunno. i want to grow closer with him (maybe) but i don't want him to become part of my diameter. i don't want to hurt him. so maybe i should stay away?

i just don't know anymore.

this is just so much harder and more painful than i anticipated. i didn't think about this when i made my decision. and i should've. because now there's not exactly a chance to turn back.

i just...
i want to minimize my diameter but i don't know if i can? i just don't know if i'm strong enough.

live long
xoxo K