disaster date

check: ice skating

so i have quite the...experience to report.

M dragged me along on a double date today. which sucked, especially with my recent diameter discovery. so i couldn't even pretend to get close to my date. temptation is a terrible thing.

oh and the date was with B. yknow that guy i told you about. so that was interesting...

buuut guess what the date was? (hint--see above) ice skating! it was my first time, which was hella awesome because it's another thing off my bucket list!

and even though it was a date, it was so crazy fun. i fell just about a million times but skating just has such a feeling of peace. the way you can just glide and everything just feels so clear. with the chill and crisp feeling of reality. it's what i think heaven (is there even a heaven?) might feel like.

but then again, in heaven, i probably wouldn't have fallen and gone unconscious. i was skating with B's little sister (to avoid B) and she started to fall and so i tried to catch her. of course, KJ didn't like that i was standing upright and fucked with my balance. and so i fell and hit my head against the ice.

and then i woke up surrounded by people. just goes to show that even if i seem normal, KJ will never let me lead a normal life.

i'll always have that headache, that feeling, that fading of my vision, that seizure, that thing that says "you're sick"

and it's true. i'm sick. i'll never be normal.

but god that's not what you want to hear. you want to hear about how i'm living out my dreams and adventuring and experiencing the world.

well there you guys go. i experienced something new. i got to ice skate. and it was a beautiful feeling.

live long
xoxo K

my diameter

so i lied and i'm back

M is asleep but i just couldn't find my dreams tonight--too much to think about

and so i thought i'd share a bit

i've just been thinking about making friends. and i don't want to.

i'm scared. i'm scared that i'm setting people up for pain. i've been friends with M for too long so she's a moot point. but all of the people i'll be meeting on monday...

maybe i shouldn't do this. shouldn't go to school. shouldn't meet people. i'm only going to hurt them.

yknow i read a poem once and it never really left me. it's called "The Diameter of the Bomb" by Yehuda Amichai.

it's about the true diameter of a bomb. yeah it only explodes so far. but then the diameter expands with the hospitals that the victims are treated at. and then it expands again to the cemeteries that the dead are buried at. and then it expands again to the orphans who lost parents.

here, it's hard to explain the impact of the poem without reading it:

The diameter of the bomb was thirty centimeters
and the diameter of its effective range about seven meters,
with four dead and eleven wounded.
And around these, in a larger circle
of pain and time, two hospitals are scattered
and one graveyard. But the young woman
who was buried in the city she came from,
at a distance of more than a hundred kilometers,
enlarges the circle considerably,
and the solitary man mourning her death
at the distant shores of a country far across the sea
includes the entire world in the circle.
And I won’t even mention the crying of orphans
that reaches up to the throne of God and
beyond, making a circle with no end and no God.

and so i've never really let go of this poem. i want to minimize my diameter. i've already got my mom and M and the other people of my past in my diameter. i don't want to expand it any more.

and by going to school.. i'm expanding it. i'm putting so much more people at risk and i don't want to endanger more people.

i don't know why i thought it was a good idea to go and make friends when i have less than a year left.

and then there's this guy. we'll call him B for boy. M says i clicked with him tonight. and i dunno. i want to grow closer with him (maybe) but i don't want him to become part of my diameter. i don't want to hurt him. so maybe i should stay away?

i just don't know anymore.

this is just so much harder and more painful than i anticipated. i didn't think about this when i made my decision. and i should've. because now there's not exactly a chance to turn back.

i just...
i want to minimize my diameter but i don't know if i can? i just don't know if i'm strong enough.

live long
xoxo K

the beginning

check: make a blog

check: go to a bonfire

hey everyone

so i knocked two things off of my list today. this is really happening. it's insanely hard to believe that i'm actually doing this stuff--or at least trying to.

but here i'll try to recap some for you

so you all know i made the blog obviously. hopefully you have read my about page and know a bit coming into this post. but i decided to make the blog because i'm finally allowed to go to public school (which is on my list). my mom's decision to finally enroll me dominoed to me realizing oh shit that's on my list. so then i tackled the blog. and now it's snowballing.

my best friend M took me to a bonfire tonight to try to introduce me to people. to prepare me for the full high school experience or something? her words, not mine. she's sitting right next to me, so i can't be too critical of her wording asjd;f she just slapped me -_-

sometimes i wonder why she's my best friend but don't we all?

anyway. so i knocked off two things on my list! and public school is going to be knocked off in 2 days (AHH!).

the bonfire "end of summer" thing was tonight and it's friday--for those of you who are chronologically or timely challenged. and school starts on monday. i'm nervous. M is dreading going back but i'm sort of excited.

actual teenagers. actual lockers. actual teachers--besides my mom. actual cafeteria food.

it's going to be so weird. but i’m insanely excited. but still scared. agh i don’t know how to feel.

i got some nice interaction in tonight. a lot of the people were actually pretty nice. i was pleasantly surprised. i hate to give M credit, but it was a good idea to go. it was a nice transition to talking to people my age for once.

i met a few of M's friends and a few others as well. there was this guy and he... well that's a story for another time. we had an interesting interaction to say the least. it'll be interesting to see how that meeting translates to school on monday. i'll let you know asap.

i probably won't post again until school starts but we'll see what happens in my crazy--ha, as if--life before then. maybe you'll hear from me again. maybe not.

thanks for listening--or reading i guess.

i'm very sorry if this is boring. and i'm very sorry if you're going to click the little X to leave this tab and never come back. but it was a pleasure boring you for a few minutes! have a long and happy life!

and for those of you who are staying--thanks! i really hope that stuff will get more interesting after this. i'm also just very exhausted. too much interaction in one night for me. i was going to just wait until tomorrow to post but M practically shoved me into my desk chair. insisted that i had to write it all out before i forgot anything. i swear, she's more into this than i am.

but hopefully you'll become into it too!

so stay tuned and hopefully my life will get a bit more exciting on monday.

wish me luck.

live long
xoxo K