magic

check: go to disneyland

SURPRISE! i'm back!

i'm super sorry for the little hiatus this weekend, but i was in disneyland! a few friends (including M and B) and i drove down to LA and visited the most magical place on earth.

and wow guys. it really was magical. i don't think i've ever been anywhere with more hope and cheer and love and excitement and happiness. being there just feels you with this glow and this satisfaction. this feeling that the world is how it should be and life is good.

which i know is a lie. the world isn't how it should be. if it were, i wouldn't be dying. if it were, there wouldn't be stabbings and shootings of innocent people. if it were, there wouldn't be victimized children. so no, the world isn't how it should be.

but disneyland fools you into think that it is for just a moment. it lets you let go of the pains of the world. the moment you step through those gates, everything falls away. there's just you and the experience before you.

it's truly amazing. i didn't want the day to end. i wish i could capture that feeling and sell it. i'd have enough money to find a cure to cancer a million times over.

but i guess i should talk more about the specifics of the trip. instead of babbling about happiness and abstract emotions and blah blah blah. i should probably put warnings on this blog.

WARNING: though side effects of a terminal diagnosis may vary, studies have shown that there is a high risk of disgusting sentimentality

there you go. you have been warned.

anyway. M planned the trip for me. and then somehow B and three of his friends (i guess my friends now too) tagged along. we had to drive a few hours and those were entertaining for sure. and then we stayed from friday night until sunday morning.

if i'm completely honest, i slept most of the time. KJ acts up on long road trips most of the time. too many hours in the car lead to a tumor temper tantrum. the easiest way out of the pain is to sleep it off. so half of the driving was spent with me passed out in B's lap. i'm sure he loooved that.

but yeah i mean i don't really know what else to say! i rode some of the rides, but i'm not a huge ride person. i get headaches too much on them and then that just ruins my day. the others did convince me to go on a few. though i wouldn't be able to tell you the names of them; i was shoved in a line and the next thing i knew i was walking out of the gift shop at the end. the in between was a bit of a blur.

i did meet tons of characters though! M and i met mickey and minnie right away. the picture is actually my lock screen right now. it's so great omg. i would attach the picture, but i obviously have to keep my identity anonymous so sorry buds

but gosh did i meet people. M and i went on a search for them and then B and i went on a search for them later too. i'm not positive, but i think i ended up seeing mickey, minnie, pooh bear, cinderella, belle, the frozen trio (only in the parade though, their line was like hours long), and tiana.

and a silly thing, but wow do i want to be a character. like i'd love to have that be my job. it must feel so amazing to make children feel so happy. their absolute joy when they meet their favorite character, off the screen for the first time. nothing could be more fulfilling.

i heard that disney did internships. i wonder if that's one of them? like a hands on internship where you can actually be a character. i'm not sure who i'd want to be. i have too many favorites. disney is honestly my life. when i was little, i couldn't go out much (obviously) and i was stuck in bed most of the time as they figured out what my limits were. my mom made it up to me by letting me watch every single disney movie known to man (even the lesser known like the black cauldron) and eat unlimited candy.

which i guess is where that other bucket list item comes from. the one about having a disney movie marathon. i just really want to feel that childish innocence one last time. i want to bundle up in blankets, lock myself in my house, and just watch movies all day. eat my weight in candle. curl up. and watch. i really hope i get to that item before i go. i could definitely use that peace.

but okay enough with that sap. that's really all i have to report! not much has been going on. i finished my first week of public school on friday and it's been going well. my teachers are pretty chill. i've found a pretty solid friend group with B's friends. they're all great. i mean life is just pretty good. and i mean it helps that i've been pretty steadily going down my list. it's giving me some hope.

but i actually really do have to go because i'm writing this before school and M is here to pick me up. so i'll talk to you guys next time!

hopefully i'll have something good to report!

live long
xoxo K

first day

check: go to public school

so it was my first official day of public high school today. and i survived!!

i may be biased (since i haven't had to suffer public schooling for my entire life), but it wasn't as bad as i expected! i mean yeah you can't help but feel like livestock when your life is dictated by a bell and the whole homework thing isn't the greatest. but it was cool!

i really didn't mind it and it was so cool to be around so many people. and i actually made a bunch (may be an exaggeration) of friends. i sat with the same two guys from the disaster date at lunch. and i met the rest of their crowd and i think we all hit it off. there's this one girl and she's the biggest ball of energy i have ever met. i swear she's like the sun. like an energizer bunny. but yay for making friends!

and i've decided to say "fuck it" to holding people at arm's length. i mean i already told myself i was going to live. and how can i live if i'm constantly tiptoeing? my inhibitions are gone and i'm going for it. as the hip kids say: YOLO.

but oh gosh guys... the teachers. god. do all high school teachers make shameless innuendos? do they embarrass their students on an daily basis? because if they do, then i'm screwed. i'm pretty sure i was blushing just about 53% of the time today. it was terrible.

every single class that i had with B, a teacher commented on it. granted, B was poking me and tugging on my hair for the majority of those classes, but come on. why does a teacher have to allude to us getting dirty in a janitor's closet?! that's pretty damn excessive. just thinking about it makes me blush. ugh, high school, man.

anyway! this weekend we're doing another thing on my bucket list. i'm finally going to go to disneyland! my friend and i are going on a road trip and heading down there for a few days. i'm pumped. and we've already invited the guys and are hopefully inviting some other new friends too. i'm insanely excited. it's going to be so great.

hmm.. what else to update you guys on...

oh well speaking of you guys: you exist! you guys actually exist! i honestly never imagined that people would actually read this. i mean yeah that was the goal, but i didn't have high hopes. but alas here you guys are and wow! the response was just... seriously wow. so thank you guys so much. you can't even fathom how much that means to me. i'm beaming.

which i'm so thankful for because, as great as my day was, i just about died. i'm exhausted and drained. i had a little spat with KJ today when M and i were driving home. not enjoyable. so my high went down but now it's back. thanks to you guys!

but some comments to you guys based on your responses:

1. yes i am totally serious. i do have a brain tumor. i am going down my bucket list. this is not a joke.

2. yes i am going to remain anonymous. i won't be revealing my name or identity any time soon so don't bother asking.

3. people are bound to find out who i am because i'm pretty specific in my recaps. it's not that difficult to figure out. so to those of you who do know who i am, please don't say. i want to keep my identity on the down low. the whole point of going to a public school is living a normal life. i can't do that if the entire student population knows that i'm going to die. please don't ruin this for me.

4. a lot of you guys commented on my bucket list items. i know that some of them are silly. and i know that some of them are embarrassing. after all, who hasn't been kissed this late in the game? who hasn't gone trick or treating? some of them are just plain pitiful. but remember, my life wasn't normal. that's the whole point. i'm not normal. so please try to keep an open mind. and realize that i didn't have the same childhood that you guys may have had.

5. i don't really know what else but i wanted to have 5 points so hey everyone!!!

so i think that's everything! thanks again to all of you who are reading out there. and thanks double time to all of you who commented! you guys are the bomb.com!!

live long
xoxo K

disaster date

check: ice skating

so i have quite the...experience to report.

M dragged me along on a double date today. which sucked, especially with my recent diameter discovery. so i couldn't even pretend to get close to my date. temptation is a terrible thing.

oh and the date was with B. yknow that guy i told you about. so that was interesting...

buuut guess what the date was? (hint--see above) ice skating! it was my first time, which was hella awesome because it's another thing off my bucket list!

and even though it was a date, it was so crazy fun. i fell just about a million times but skating just has such a feeling of peace. the way you can just glide and everything just feels so clear. with the chill and crisp feeling of reality. it's what i think heaven (is there even a heaven?) might feel like.

but then again, in heaven, i probably wouldn't have fallen and gone unconscious. i was skating with B's little sister (to avoid B) and she started to fall and so i tried to catch her. of course, KJ didn't like that i was standing upright and fucked with my balance. and so i fell and hit my head against the ice.

and then i woke up surrounded by people. just goes to show that even if i seem normal, KJ will never let me lead a normal life.

i'll always have that headache, that feeling, that fading of my vision, that seizure, that thing that says "you're sick"

and it's true. i'm sick. i'll never be normal.

but god that's not what you want to hear. you want to hear about how i'm living out my dreams and adventuring and experiencing the world.

well there you guys go. i experienced something new. i got to ice skate. and it was a beautiful feeling.

live long
xoxo K

my diameter

so i lied and i'm back

M is asleep but i just couldn't find my dreams tonight--too much to think about

and so i thought i'd share a bit

i've just been thinking about making friends. and i don't want to.

i'm scared. i'm scared that i'm setting people up for pain. i've been friends with M for too long so she's a moot point. but all of the people i'll be meeting on monday...

maybe i shouldn't do this. shouldn't go to school. shouldn't meet people. i'm only going to hurt them.

yknow i read a poem once and it never really left me. it's called "The Diameter of the Bomb" by Yehuda Amichai.

it's about the true diameter of a bomb. yeah it only explodes so far. but then the diameter expands with the hospitals that the victims are treated at. and then it expands again to the cemeteries that the dead are buried at. and then it expands again to the orphans who lost parents.

here, it's hard to explain the impact of the poem without reading it:

The diameter of the bomb was thirty centimeters
and the diameter of its effective range about seven meters,
with four dead and eleven wounded.
And around these, in a larger circle
of pain and time, two hospitals are scattered
and one graveyard. But the young woman
who was buried in the city she came from,
at a distance of more than a hundred kilometers,
enlarges the circle considerably,
and the solitary man mourning her death
at the distant shores of a country far across the sea
includes the entire world in the circle.
And I won’t even mention the crying of orphans
that reaches up to the throne of God and
beyond, making a circle with no end and no God.

and so i've never really let go of this poem. i want to minimize my diameter. i've already got my mom and M and the other people of my past in my diameter. i don't want to expand it any more.

and by going to school.. i'm expanding it. i'm putting so much more people at risk and i don't want to endanger more people.

i don't know why i thought it was a good idea to go and make friends when i have less than a year left.

and then there's this guy. we'll call him B for boy. M says i clicked with him tonight. and i dunno. i want to grow closer with him (maybe) but i don't want him to become part of my diameter. i don't want to hurt him. so maybe i should stay away?

i just don't know anymore.

this is just so much harder and more painful than i anticipated. i didn't think about this when i made my decision. and i should've. because now there's not exactly a chance to turn back.

i just...
i want to minimize my diameter but i don't know if i can? i just don't know if i'm strong enough.

live long
xoxo K

the beginning

check: make a blog

check: go to a bonfire

hey everyone

so i knocked two things off of my list today. this is really happening. it's insanely hard to believe that i'm actually doing this stuff--or at least trying to.

but here i'll try to recap some for you

so you all know i made the blog obviously. hopefully you have read my about page and know a bit coming into this post. but i decided to make the blog because i'm finally allowed to go to public school (which is on my list). my mom's decision to finally enroll me dominoed to me realizing oh shit that's on my list. so then i tackled the blog. and now it's snowballing.

my best friend M took me to a bonfire tonight to try to introduce me to people. to prepare me for the full high school experience or something? her words, not mine. she's sitting right next to me, so i can't be too critical of her wording asjd;f she just slapped me -_-

sometimes i wonder why she's my best friend but don't we all?

anyway. so i knocked off two things on my list! and public school is going to be knocked off in 2 days (AHH!).

the bonfire "end of summer" thing was tonight and it's friday--for those of you who are chronologically or timely challenged. and school starts on monday. i'm nervous. M is dreading going back but i'm sort of excited.

actual teenagers. actual lockers. actual teachers--besides my mom. actual cafeteria food.

it's going to be so weird. but i’m insanely excited. but still scared. agh i don’t know how to feel.

i got some nice interaction in tonight. a lot of the people were actually pretty nice. i was pleasantly surprised. i hate to give M credit, but it was a good idea to go. it was a nice transition to talking to people my age for once.

i met a few of M's friends and a few others as well. there was this guy and he... well that's a story for another time. we had an interesting interaction to say the least. it'll be interesting to see how that meeting translates to school on monday. i'll let you know asap.

i probably won't post again until school starts but we'll see what happens in my crazy--ha, as if--life before then. maybe you'll hear from me again. maybe not.

thanks for listening--or reading i guess.

i'm very sorry if this is boring. and i'm very sorry if you're going to click the little X to leave this tab and never come back. but it was a pleasure boring you for a few minutes! have a long and happy life!

and for those of you who are staying--thanks! i really hope that stuff will get more interesting after this. i'm also just very exhausted. too much interaction in one night for me. i was going to just wait until tomorrow to post but M practically shoved me into my desk chair. insisted that i had to write it all out before i forgot anything. i swear, she's more into this than i am.

but hopefully you'll become into it too!

so stay tuned and hopefully my life will get a bit more exciting on monday.

wish me luck.

live long
xoxo K